The Kind Person's Guide to Boundary-Setting (that actually works!): Quit the people-pleasing and bring on the holiday peace
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Halloween is over, and here we are, diving headfirst into the Holiday Madness. You know what that means, right? It's time to talk about boundaries. And I can already hear the groans: "Boundaries are so hard! I don't want to make anyone feel bad!"
Believe me, I get it. As a recovering people-pleaser, setting boundaries has felt like climbing Mount Everest. But this year? We’re doing things differently – and I’m right here with you.
Why Boundaries Feel So Challenging
The "Nice Girl" Trap
Let’s get real: As women, many of us have been raised to be “nice.” And let’s be honest, “nice” often translates to putting everyone else’s feelings ahead of our own. Setting a boundary can feel like walking through a minefield of potential hurt feelings and disappointment.
But here's a game-changing mindset shift: There's a difference between being nice and being kind.
- Nice means prioritizing others’ emotions at the expense of your own.
- Kind means honoring your emotional health while still being respectful of others.
This subtle shift in mindset can make a world of difference.
A New Way to Think About Boundaries
Boundaries Are About What YOU Will Do
I came across this brilliant concept from Dr. Becky, a parenting expert, and it completely flipped the script for me: Boundaries aren’t about controlling others; they’re about what you will do.
For example, instead of saying, “Please turn off the TV after 20 minutes,” try, “I will turn off the TV after 20 minutes.”
See the difference? You’re not asking for permission or trying to manage someone else’s behavior. You’re simply stating what action you’ll take.
How to Actually Set a Boundary
- Know What You Need
Ask yourself: “What do I need to feel like my best self?” Be honest, even if the answer feels a little uncomfortable. - Decide What You'll Do
Focus on your own actions. What’s within your control? Be clear and direct with yourself first. - Communicate with Kindness
When you’re ready to share your boundary, skip the guilt and the over-explaining. A simple statement is enough.
Real-Life Boundary Examples:
The Sleep Boundary:
"I need eight hours of sleep at night, so I'll leave by 10 PM" or "I'd love to come, but let's schedule this on a different night."
The Volunteer Boundary:
"I can't take on PTA responsibilities this year" or “I can help out by doing —- (make it one specific thing).”
The Hard Truth About Boundaries
Here’s the reality: Setting boundaries might disappoint people. It might make others upset. It might feel downright uncomfortable.
But here's the thing: It is NOT your job to keep everyone happy. It IS your job to keep yourself sane and feeling like your best self.
Your Holiday Boundary Challenge
As the holiday season kicks into high gear, take a moment to check in with yourself:
- What do I need to protect my peace?
- Where do I need to draw a line?
- How can I be kind to myself?
Write down your answers. Then use them to set your boundaries.
Final Reminder
You are 100% worthy of the time and energy it takes to set boundaries. They aren’t selfish – they’re an act of self-love.
So this holiday season, let’s set the tone: peace, joy, and boundaries that honor you.
You deserve the time and energy it takes to learn how to set boundaries! YEAH, BABY!
